By blackace Go To Postyeah, it is taking longer to knock up the PDF than I thought ☹️
it's cool bruv I was getting hit by that FOMO especially after Koko's impressions 🤗
By blackace Go To Posthey I sent out another kindle copy today. Let me know if you got itI got it, thanks :).
By LuminaryGhost Go To PostI got it, thanks :).awesomeness, looking forward to your thoughts
By Facism Go To PostYallah got it. Will dig in tonight 🤗
By sohois Go To PostGot it also, 300 pages looks doable in a weekAppreciate it, really!
i'm not much of a fiction reader, or else i'd help out, but this is awesome. it's crazy how many people want to write books but never get to this stage lol. good luck with it man.
By rerixo Go To Posti'm not much of a fiction reader, or else i'd help out, but this is awesome. it's crazy how many people want to write books but never get to this stage lol. good luck with it man.
Thanks, I appreciate the thought. I am just excited to hear what people think.
I honestly didn't think I'd finish one let alone six. I really finished only because my boy became invested and pushed me.
Ultimately he became my editor and the rest hs history.
Do you want a list of any typos? I dunno if it would be wasted effort as you might be getting another proof after
By sohois Go To PostDo you want a list of any typos? I dunno if it would be wasted effort as you might be getting another proof afterIf you find some that would be great 👌🏾
But I am not trying to make people work, I mostly want people to read it like a book and enjoy it or not. 🙌🏾
I filled the form blackace, but I typed in my real name. Don’t know if that matters?
Will read the book and give feedback. Very excited to read it.
Will read the book and give feedback. Very excited to read it.
By cRrusheR Go To PostI filled the form blackace, but I typed in my real name. Don’t know if that matters?Sent!
Will read the book and give feedback. Very excited to read it.
Also thanks!
By blackace Go To PostSent!
Also thanks!
My pleasure, putting it now on my kindle.
I know next to nothing when it comes to grammar, so ignore me if I'm wrong but here a few sentences/paragraphs that didn't work for me:
Page 11: "Apparently giving Marlee the opportunity to take it all in all the he said". Isn't all the he said not needed?
Page 13 "While it was true that was no general had seen as many wars as his father". Feel like the second was just gets in the way.
Page 17: Shouldn't Maximus Augustive's speech be after they actually vote? They haven't voted so nobody should be asking themselves why he agree to have Ang'Lor as commander.
Page 19: "Orator Zandall decide he would go first and this over with". Missing a get?
Page 37: "Magikians could not simply point their finger have have spells explode from them". Extra have
Page 71: "Krin was heavily muscled and scarred. We walked with the deadly, lazy grace of a hunting cat". Who instead of we?
Page 94: "Krin danced away from the creature as if he had known what the best was going to do before it did it". Beast
Page 152: "and he needed something speculator to keep people talking about Darkmare exploits". Spectacular
Page 155: "Outside of my Dr Luv, every other person who knew about our jobs together is dead". Me and Dr Luv?
Page 200: "My report from the field will have to until the Warlod of Warlords returns". Will have to wait?
Page 245: ""Himlu wondered if the Saz with being sincere. Was
Like I previously said I think you did an excellent job when it comes to the Prologue, it setup the world and the different kingdoms/races rather nicely.
I understand what you were trying to do with the first few chapters, but some of them didn't work for me. More specifically I found the early Arcanus/Haz-Ar interactions hard to read, because how much it rely on Arcanus asking questions ( and then? and then?…etc). Also during the prologue I got the impression that we were going to get some answers about what exactly happened during the 10 years time skip, but it turns out it amounts to basically not a lot( and this might be just me setting some expectations/ or you might have plans to tell more about it at other point).
I thing you found your groove right at Kir' Lor first chapter, because it was a smooth sailing from there, with that said I'm not sure how I feel about where the books ends, yes with learn a lot and I can see how it set ups a lot of pieces for the rest of the series but I can't help but feel that we are missing a big event from Five Kingdom camp( Ang'Lor/ Marlee/ Kir'Lor).
Nevertheless I really enjoyed my time with the book and I'm definitely supporting you and interested in the rest of the series.
How far are you into the rest of series?
Page 11: "Apparently giving Marlee the opportunity to take it all in all the he said". Isn't all the he said not needed?
Page 13 "While it was true that was no general had seen as many wars as his father". Feel like the second was just gets in the way.
Page 17: Shouldn't Maximus Augustive's speech be after they actually vote? They haven't voted so nobody should be asking themselves why he agree to have Ang'Lor as commander.
Page 19: "Orator Zandall decide he would go first and this over with". Missing a get?
Page 37: "Magikians could not simply point their finger have have spells explode from them". Extra have
Page 71: "Krin was heavily muscled and scarred. We walked with the deadly, lazy grace of a hunting cat". Who instead of we?
Page 94: "Krin danced away from the creature as if he had known what the best was going to do before it did it". Beast
Page 152: "and he needed something speculator to keep people talking about Darkmare exploits". Spectacular
Page 155: "Outside of my Dr Luv, every other person who knew about our jobs together is dead". Me and Dr Luv?
Page 200: "My report from the field will have to until the Warlod of Warlords returns". Will have to wait?
Page 245: ""Himlu wondered if the Saz with being sincere. Was
Like I previously said I think you did an excellent job when it comes to the Prologue, it setup the world and the different kingdoms/races rather nicely.
I understand what you were trying to do with the first few chapters, but some of them didn't work for me. More specifically I found the early Arcanus/Haz-Ar interactions hard to read, because how much it rely on Arcanus asking questions ( and then? and then?…etc). Also during the prologue I got the impression that we were going to get some answers about what exactly happened during the 10 years time skip, but it turns out it amounts to basically not a lot( and this might be just me setting some expectations/ or you might have plans to tell more about it at other point).
I thing you found your groove right at Kir' Lor first chapter, because it was a smooth sailing from there, with that said I'm not sure how I feel about where the books ends, yes with learn a lot and I can see how it set ups a lot of pieces for the rest of the series but I can't help but feel that we are missing a big event from Five Kingdom camp( Ang'Lor/ Marlee/ Kir'Lor).
Nevertheless I really enjoyed my time with the book and I'm definitely supporting you and interested in the rest of the series.
How far are you into the rest of series?
By Koko Go To PostI know next to nothing when it comes to grammar, so ignore me if I'm wrong but here a few sentences/paragraphs that didn't work for me:Oh shit this awesome feedback!
Page 11: "Apparently giving Marlee the opportunity to take it all in all the he said". Isn't all the he said not needed?
Page 13 "While it was true that was no general had seen as many wars as his father". Feel like the second was just gets in the way.
Page 17: Shouldn't Maximus Augustive's speech be after they actually vote? They haven't voted so nobody should be asking themselves why he agree to have Ang'Lor as commander.
Page 19: "Orator Zandall decide he would go first and this over with". Missing a get?
Page 37: "Magikians could not simply point their finger have have spells explode from them". Extra have
Page 71: "Krin was heavily muscled and scarred. We walked with the deadly, lazy grace of a hunting cat". Who instead of we?
Page 94: "Krin danced away from the creature as if he had known what the best was going to do before it did it". Beast
Page 152: "and he needed something speculator to keep people talking about Darkmare exploits". Spectacular
Page 155: "Outside of my Dr Luv, every other person who knew about our jobs together is dead". Me and Dr Luv?
Page 200: "My report from the field will have to until the Warlod of Warlords returns". Will have to wait?
Page 245: ""Himlu wondered if the Saz with being sincere. Was
Like I previously said I think you did an excellent job when it comes to the Prologue, it setup the world and the different kingdoms/races rather nicely.
I understand what you were trying to do with the first few chapters, but some of them didn't work for me. More specifically I found the early Arcanus/Haz-Ar interactions hard to read, because how much it rely on Arcanus asking questions ( and then? and then?…etc). Also during the prologue I got the impression that we were going to get some answers about what exactly happened during the 10 years time skip, but it turns out it amounts to basically not a lot( and this might be just me setting some expectations/ or you might have plans to tell more about it at other point).
I thing you found your groove right at Kir' Lor first chapter, because it was a smooth sailing from there, with that said I'm not sure how I feel about where the books ends, yes with learn a lot and I can see how it set ups a lot of pieces for the rest of the series but I can't help but feel that we are missing a big event from Five Kingdom camp( Ang'Lor/ Marlee/ Kir'Lor).
Nevertheless I really enjoyed my time with the book and I'm definitely supporting you and interested in the rest of the series.
How far are you into the rest of series?
Let me look over the comments 1 by 1 to digest them.
Book 2 is in its final edits and book 3 is finishing its final draft.
Book 2 I hope to have out months after 1 drops.
Thank you so much.
By blackace Go To PostOh shit this awesome feedback!Oh damn, then yeah you definitely have a pretty good idea of the general pace that each book needs for the rest of the series.
Let me look over the comments 1 by 1 to digest them.
Book 2 is in its final edits and book 3 is finishing its final draft.
Book 2 I hope to have out months after 1 drops.
Thank you so much.
By blackace Go To Postbtw Koko, what arcs / characters did you enjoy?Definitely Kir'Lor/Ang' Lor and Ang'Lor/ Marlee relationships were the highlights for me. I'm curious to find out if Kir'Lor goes with his initial intentions and ends up betraying/usurping his father, specially now that he has the means to do it.
were there any highlights?
Nawahls as a whole are pretty interesting, and I expect we are going to find out more about them, considering were Arcanus and Haz-Ar end up.
Also I found Maximus Kravious accepting and adapting Ramon culture to be pretty funny, just not sure how big his role might be moving forward.
edit: Reilo please.. why does the spoiler function breaks everything else..
By Koko Go To PostOh damn, then yeah you definitely have a pretty good idea of the general pace that each book needs for the rest of the series.however, we might push book 2 up a bit because it definitely answers the open arcs of 1.
Definitely Kir'Lor/Ang' Lor and Ang'Lor/ Marlee relationships were the highlights for me. I'm curious to find out if Kir'Lor goes with initial intentions and ends up betraying/usurping his father, specially now that he has the means to do it.
Nawahls as a whole are pretty interesting, and I expect we are going to find out more about them, considering were Arcanus and Haz-Ar end up.
Also I found Maximus Kravious accepting and adapting Ramon culture to be pretty funny, just not sure how big he role might be moving forward.
edit: Reilo please.. why does the spoiler function breaks everything else..
Hyped from the feedback. Thank you
By blackace Go To Posthowever, we might push book 2 up a bit because it definitely answers the open arcs of 1.I see, then yeah I think I'll try to do a reread with that in mind.
Hyped from the feedback. Thank you
Oh I almost forgot to mention but I really enjoyed the parallels between Lothar and Kir'Lor situations, with both of them trying to live up to their fathers legacies but doing it for completely different reasons. Definetely rooting for Lothar to be able to withstand a possible mutiny from his uncle and some of the clans..
btw thanks again Koko. Your feedback is really helping us makes business decision.
Looking forward to everybody's thoughts, positive and negative, I need it all.
Looking forward to everybody's thoughts, positive and negative, I need it all.
Early thoughts. Prologue.
I like the fact that it starts in a classroom. It’s a good point of entry that highlights straight away that this is a world of fantasy where magik isn’t hidden away but rather taught, in schools where pupils of various backgrounds come to learn. Magik is at the center of this story, and the rules start being established right away. It also brings up race and the role it has, hinting from the get go at the kind of cultural differences that no doubt inform race relationships in the five kingdoms. And then there is the promise, at its heart a story about the relationship between a teacher and a promising student, a story of legacy and how the world is shaped by the lessons passed down, and that new generations are bound by the successes and failures of those that came before us.
It’s an ambitious prologue, as it moves from character to character, scene to scene, subject to subject. It becomes a bit hard to follow, as there are a lot of names to take in, a lot of POV changes. The longer it goes on, and it does go long, the harder it became to connect. I understand it has a purpose, to establish and set up narratives, laying a lot of groundwork for what’s to come no doubt. But it might be a bit too challenging for the reader.
Will keep reading and developing my thoughts, but I might wait to finish the book before sharing.
I like the fact that it starts in a classroom. It’s a good point of entry that highlights straight away that this is a world of fantasy where magik isn’t hidden away but rather taught, in schools where pupils of various backgrounds come to learn. Magik is at the center of this story, and the rules start being established right away. It also brings up race and the role it has, hinting from the get go at the kind of cultural differences that no doubt inform race relationships in the five kingdoms. And then there is the promise, at its heart a story about the relationship between a teacher and a promising student, a story of legacy and how the world is shaped by the lessons passed down, and that new generations are bound by the successes and failures of those that came before us.
It’s an ambitious prologue, as it moves from character to character, scene to scene, subject to subject. It becomes a bit hard to follow, as there are a lot of names to take in, a lot of POV changes. The longer it goes on, and it does go long, the harder it became to connect. I understand it has a purpose, to establish and set up narratives, laying a lot of groundwork for what’s to come no doubt. But it might be a bit too challenging for the reader.
Will keep reading and developing my thoughts, but I might wait to finish the book before sharing.
By cRrusheR Go To PostEarly thoughts. Prologue.Thanks for reading so far, the book doesn't continue in that style… it's only the prologues and epilogues that jump around in such a manner.
I like the fact that it starts in a classroom. It’s a good point of entry that highlights straight away that this is a world of fantasy where magik isn’t hidden away but rather taught, in schools where pupils of various backgrounds come to learn. Magik is at the center of this story, and the rules start being established right away. It also brings up race and the role it has, hinting from the get go at the kind of cultural differences that no doubt inform race relationships in the five kingdoms. And then there is the promise, at its heart a story about the relationship between a teacher and a promising student, a story of legacy and how the world is shaped by the lessons passed down, and that new generations are bound by the successes and failures of those that came before us.
It’s an ambitious prologue, as it moves from character to character, scene to scene, subject to subject. It becomes a bit hard to follow, as there are a lot of names to take in, a lot of POV changes. The longer it goes on, and it does go long, the harder it became to connect. I understand it has a purpose, to establish and set up narratives, laying a lot of groundwork for what’s to come no doubt. But it might be a bit too challenging for the reader.
I could see how it might cause some confusion. Were you confused?
I was not lost and don’t want you to get that impression, but I’ll admit that I was confused at times and felt that maybe it would’ve helped if the POV transitions at the beginning occurred between more directly related characters and settings, as established in previous scenes, to help guide me inside this new world. It’s a new fantasy world with a lot to learn, and that initial and unavoidable disconnect is made easier if there’s less to juggle.
By cRrusheR Go To PostI was not lost and don’t want you to get that impression, but I’ll admit that I was confused at times and felt that maybe it would’ve helped if the POV transitions at the beginning occurred between more directly related characters and settings, as established in previous scenes, to help guide me inside this new world. It’s a new fantasy world with a lot to learn, and that initial and unavoidable disconnect is made easier if there’s less to juggle.
Good insight! I learned a lot since I started the journey, still learning obviously. Keeping it accessible without making it overly elementary can be such a challenge.
Glad that you weren't lost at least
And your comments are really helping, I am taking it all in
I've only made it halfway, not had as much reading time as usual.
I will refrain from comments until reading everything
I will refrain from comments until reading everything
Finished. Since spoiler tags seem to screw up formatting, I won't be using any if anyone hasn't finished reading yet.
first, typos that I noted:
Pg 78 - muscled and scarred. We walked… > He walked
pg 89 - The evidence to support this theory could found > could be found
pg 90 - the Nawahl wisely has rebuffed every time > had wisely rebuffed them
pg 255 - Dueling enhancements were what street duelist > street duelists
pg 270 - Criminals paths cut through the Lichwood > Criminals' paths (not sure on this one, might need to be reworded)
Pg 291 - Ang’Lor to feel the honored by a personal escort > Ang'Lor to feel the honor of a personal escort
pg 305 - He realized that he was a fool, and most of those times he humiliation > he felt humiliated (again not quite sure on this one)
pg 313 - throwing him some crusty bed > crusty bread
Now onto more general criticisms - I'm purely going to focus on areas that might be improved, so this might come off as unduly harsh:
- The prologue could do with trimming. I don't think there's anything wrong with the detail, but the average reader these days does not have a long attention span, and there's little in the prologue that really catches a reader's attention and forces them to continue. I'd be concerned that you'd get a lot of people dropping off before really starting since things start quite slow.
- Similarly, I think the chapters need to be reordered so the opening of the book is more connected to the prologue. I had no idea that the title of the novel was not a metaphor until about 150 pages in, when it turns out that the enemy they are fighting are actually called the Scourge! The simple fix for this would just be to move the Kir'Lor chapters to the start, in fact I'd make the very first chapter be Kir'Lors, which is currently chapter 13. Aside from giving a more concrete view of what the story will be about, it would also help to connect the characters that we met in the prologue. There's a bit of a lack of a main character at the start; Haz'Ar is built up to be the main character, but then we experience him passively through Arcanus, and in turn even in his stories he is a follower of Krin the Red. I don't think the early Arcanus chapters need to be changed though, and bringing the Kir'lor chapter forward could basically take care of two birds with one stone.
- In terms of writing style, in general I think there's a bit of flab that could do with cutting. Descriptions tend to be overly heavy and often belabour the point. In fact, that last typo gave a good example:
Crusty bread. Sturdy bread. Thick-crusted bread. How many times do we need to emphasize that it's a tough piece of bread? This happens a lot, but not all the time; some items have a place, a history, a quality, even when they have no relevance to the plot. It doesn't appear to be a deliberate stylistic decision - plenty of stuff is left stripped back. I think the story could proceed quite a bit quicker if some of this superfluous detail was removed.
- The ending is a little strange, a little abrupt. Having the final chapter basically be the bad guy I don't think quite works, and the epilogue is quite light on detail or consequence. I'm not too sure what can be done here since I don't know where the second book picks up and how the plot will proceed, but I would maybe look at moving something forwards into book one.
- There should be more on the Wildlands. The formation of their city is presented as a major plot point in the prologue, but then we hardly ever see them again. There are two POV chapters for them, spaced far apart, and honestly in the Himley chapter I'd forgotten who was who, and who tf Himley even was supposed to be. Either these can be cut and put in the second book if they have a proper plot to follow, or they need more.
- Arcanus could do with being a bit more sympathetic. All of the characters seem to be morally grey, but following around a guy who just murdered his pregnant lover to stop her claim on him is a bit too much. Maybe he tricked her into an abortion, or is just on the run from her? That would be a bit better.
- I think it might also help if we saw how Gaiaus became involved with Ta'lin; in the prologue he appears to just be manoeuvering politically, and not actually an evil guy following Skeletor. He seems overly happy to follow this clearly bad guy's orders, only worrying about his own safety, and rarely seeming to consider that he's probably being lied to and manipulated.
Those are the main things that could be worked on
first, typos that I noted:
Pg 78 - muscled and scarred. We walked… > He walked
pg 89 - The evidence to support this theory could found > could be found
pg 90 - the Nawahl wisely has rebuffed every time > had wisely rebuffed them
pg 255 - Dueling enhancements were what street duelist > street duelists
pg 270 - Criminals paths cut through the Lichwood > Criminals' paths (not sure on this one, might need to be reworded)
Pg 291 - Ang’Lor to feel the honored by a personal escort > Ang'Lor to feel the honor of a personal escort
pg 305 - He realized that he was a fool, and most of those times he humiliation > he felt humiliated (again not quite sure on this one)
pg 313 - throwing him some crusty bed > crusty bread
Now onto more general criticisms - I'm purely going to focus on areas that might be improved, so this might come off as unduly harsh:
- The prologue could do with trimming. I don't think there's anything wrong with the detail, but the average reader these days does not have a long attention span, and there's little in the prologue that really catches a reader's attention and forces them to continue. I'd be concerned that you'd get a lot of people dropping off before really starting since things start quite slow.
- Similarly, I think the chapters need to be reordered so the opening of the book is more connected to the prologue. I had no idea that the title of the novel was not a metaphor until about 150 pages in, when it turns out that the enemy they are fighting are actually called the Scourge! The simple fix for this would just be to move the Kir'Lor chapters to the start, in fact I'd make the very first chapter be Kir'Lors, which is currently chapter 13. Aside from giving a more concrete view of what the story will be about, it would also help to connect the characters that we met in the prologue. There's a bit of a lack of a main character at the start; Haz'Ar is built up to be the main character, but then we experience him passively through Arcanus, and in turn even in his stories he is a follower of Krin the Red. I don't think the early Arcanus chapters need to be changed though, and bringing the Kir'lor chapter forward could basically take care of two birds with one stone.
- In terms of writing style, in general I think there's a bit of flab that could do with cutting. Descriptions tend to be overly heavy and often belabour the point. In fact, that last typo gave a good example:
The rider waited until Gaiaus got entirely out of bed before throwing him some crusty bed.
“Eat and meet me atop the dragon,” the rider said before turning his back on Gaiaus and ascending the dragon himself.
Gaiaus ate greedily, not realizing how hungry he was until he tasted the sturdy bread. He coughed a few times from swallowing before he chewed the thick-crusted bread thoroughly enough.
Crusty bread. Sturdy bread. Thick-crusted bread. How many times do we need to emphasize that it's a tough piece of bread? This happens a lot, but not all the time; some items have a place, a history, a quality, even when they have no relevance to the plot. It doesn't appear to be a deliberate stylistic decision - plenty of stuff is left stripped back. I think the story could proceed quite a bit quicker if some of this superfluous detail was removed.
- The ending is a little strange, a little abrupt. Having the final chapter basically be the bad guy I don't think quite works, and the epilogue is quite light on detail or consequence. I'm not too sure what can be done here since I don't know where the second book picks up and how the plot will proceed, but I would maybe look at moving something forwards into book one.
- There should be more on the Wildlands. The formation of their city is presented as a major plot point in the prologue, but then we hardly ever see them again. There are two POV chapters for them, spaced far apart, and honestly in the Himley chapter I'd forgotten who was who, and who tf Himley even was supposed to be. Either these can be cut and put in the second book if they have a proper plot to follow, or they need more.
- Arcanus could do with being a bit more sympathetic. All of the characters seem to be morally grey, but following around a guy who just murdered his pregnant lover to stop her claim on him is a bit too much. Maybe he tricked her into an abortion, or is just on the run from her? That would be a bit better.
- I think it might also help if we saw how Gaiaus became involved with Ta'lin; in the prologue he appears to just be manoeuvering politically, and not actually an evil guy following Skeletor. He seems overly happy to follow this clearly bad guy's orders, only worrying about his own safety, and rarely seeming to consider that he's probably being lied to and manipulated.
Those are the main things that could be worked on
Those are some decent critiques.
Was there anything you enjoyed in the book, since you have suggestions for rearranging the book. Were there any parts/arcs/characters you enjoyed?
There are some stylistic choices that I made, especially in the order that the book is in and some of the characters because that is exactly who they are. But nothing is set in stone stone, so you have given me something to look over!
Also, thank you for reading!
Was there anything you enjoyed in the book, since you have suggestions for rearranging the book. Were there any parts/arcs/characters you enjoyed?
There are some stylistic choices that I made, especially in the order that the book is in and some of the characters because that is exactly who they are. But nothing is set in stone stone, so you have given me something to look over!
Also, thank you for reading!
By blackace Go To PostThose are some decent critiques.Yes, I liked the novel overall and will read the other parts once they're released. I think things really picked up once the storytelling was done and there were more 'parts' and plotlines to follow, and things started to come together a bit more. It took me a while to read the first half of the book, but the second half flew by.
Was there anything you enjoyed in the book, since you have suggestions for rearranging the book. Were there any parts/arcs/characters you enjoyed?
There are some stylistic choices that I made, especially in the order that the book is in and some of the characters because that is exactly who they are. But nothing is set in stone stone, so you have given me something to look over!
Also, thank you for reading!
Characters were pretty good, they tended to have distinct voices and personalities all around. I liked that the different races and nations seemed quite unique and not overly cliche, although I still have no idea who the 5th nation is (Rame, Xandra, Nawahl, Grang and ??). Arcanus was actually quite a good POV, once you got past the murder of his lover and unborn child. I also liked the Beggar King segment a lot, it's a great hook for the future parts of the story
edit: actually, I think Kravious was particularly interesting and under utilized, would be interested in seeing him as a Rame citizen, not just an occasional general.
It has also occurred to me that it is imperative that the people and culture of Rame are referred to as Ramen.
By blackace Go To Postyup the Arzans.Yeah, Marlee mentions all five races during his lecture if I remember correctly.
Haz-Ar, Arcanus, and Marlee are Arzans.
By Koko Go To PostYeah, Marlee mentions all five races during his lecture if I remember correctly.yessir! It's the opening scene
I expect to finish it by the end of the week. Will share all the constructive thoughts I have on the weekend.
Sorry Ace i'm not making as much progress as I would have liked because of work hours and having a period of completely garbage sleep. Trying to reset my clock today so hopefully I can tuck into your good stuff tomorrow and have a proper opinion :(
Haven't finished yet but I just wanted to share these thoughts. It's about point of view.
The amount of POVs, it's unwieldy. Obviously there's reasoning behind this, but I'm just throwing out a question here, why do you need 11 different POVs, and why can't you cut it in half? *insert Dwarf joke* You get the point. It's not that you can't but maybe the question is, should it have this many POVs? It seems to create bigger problems than the ones it solves.
And why would you change from third limited to first? And then change it with the same character:
Chapter 4, Haz-Ar - "My uncle(...)"
Chapter 6, Haz-Ar - "He ushered me off"
Chapter 12, Haz-Ar - "After sweeping the upper floors and finding nothing of interest, we found ourselves(...)"
Chapter 15, Haz-Ar - "Haz-Ar's concentration faltered, and his thoughts(...)"
Chapter 17, Haz-Ar - "Many know of me, Dr Luv," Haz-Ar said, running his fingers through his hair(....)"
Maybe you should reconsider this?
Going back to the prologue, the further into the book I go the less relevant it seems to become. A prologue isn't a necessity and if it's not there to reveal something that is vital to the reader's understanding of what follows, something that you wouldn't otherwise be able to expose to the reader in a timely or graceful fashion, it shouldn't exist. As a prologue I mean.
The amount of POVs, it's unwieldy. Obviously there's reasoning behind this, but I'm just throwing out a question here, why do you need 11 different POVs, and why can't you cut it in half? *insert Dwarf joke* You get the point. It's not that you can't but maybe the question is, should it have this many POVs? It seems to create bigger problems than the ones it solves.
And why would you change from third limited to first? And then change it with the same character:
Chapter 4, Haz-Ar - "My uncle(...)"
Chapter 6, Haz-Ar - "He ushered me off"
Chapter 12, Haz-Ar - "After sweeping the upper floors and finding nothing of interest, we found ourselves(...)"
Chapter 15, Haz-Ar - "Haz-Ar's concentration faltered, and his thoughts(...)"
Chapter 17, Haz-Ar - "Many know of me, Dr Luv," Haz-Ar said, running his fingers through his hair(....)"
Maybe you should reconsider this?
Going back to the prologue, the further into the book I go the less relevant it seems to become. A prologue isn't a necessity and if it's not there to reveal something that is vital to the reader's understanding of what follows, something that you wouldn't otherwise be able to expose to the reader in a timely or graceful fashion, it shouldn't exist. As a prologue I mean.
By cRrusheR Go To PostHaven't finished yet but I just wanted to share these thoughts. It's about point of view.First person was basically to let you know that it was a flashback, so first person is him telling a story. Think of the entire chapter in quotes.
The amount of POVs, it's unwieldy. Obviously there's reasoning behind this, but I'm just throwing out a question here, why do you need 11 different POVs, and why can't you cut it in half? *insert Dwarf joke* You get the point. It's not that you can't but maybe the question is, should it have this many POVs? It seems to create bigger problems than the ones it solves.
And why would you change from third limited to first? And then change it with the same character:
Chapter 4, Haz-Ar - "My uncle(…)"
Chapter 6, Haz-Ar - "He ushered me off"
Chapter 12, Haz-Ar - "After sweeping the upper floors and finding nothing of interest, we found ourselves(…)"
Chapter 15, Haz-Ar - "Haz-Ar's concentration faltered, and his thoughts(…)"
Chapter 17, Haz-Ar - "Many know of me, Dr Luv," Haz-Ar said, running his fingers through his hair(….)"
Maybe you should reconsider this?
Going back to the prologue, the further into the book I go the less relevant it seems to become. A prologue isn't a necessity and if it's not there to reveal something that is vital to the reader's understanding of what follows, something that you wouldn't otherwise be able to expose to the reader in a timely or graceful fashion, it shouldn't exist. As a prologue I mean.
The prologue is the intro the series most of it is relevant to the series as a whole. Sets up characters for growth and movement. I probably would have wrote a bit differently if I were to start writing it now but that's my growth as a writer.
But thanks for the feedback, it always helps me look at areas I wouldn't have thought to look at.
By cRrusheR Go To PostJust trying to help without making a fool of myself, I admire what you’re doing.No problems! I appreciate the support and the feedback😁
Been reading The Godfather since I love the film so much and man, it's kind of a mess, lol. Reading about Sonny's huge dicc and Lucy Mancini's huge vag in a book about a mafia family makes me think, "WTF, I'm glad Coppola excised most of this stuff from the film". It's a trashy and exploitative novel for sure.
I'll finish reading it.
I'll finish reading it.
By Freewheelin Go To PostBeen reading The Godfather since I love the film so much and man, it's kind of a mess, lol. Reading about Sonny's huge dicc and Lucy Mancini's huge vag in a book about a mafia family makes me think, "WTF, I'm glad Coppola excised most of this stuff from the film". It's a trashy and exploitative novel for sure.Puzo also wrote the scripts for the first two films, he would have cut the side plots
I'll finish reading it.
