The 10 Statements Game, or How to Make the Most of a Date
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A couple of years ago, following a shitty breakup and getting to a point in my life when meeting people could not be left to chance, I became more proactive in online dating.
For a month or two, I went through your standard experience. Online dating is just like every day life: a crushing number of people are just not for you. Internet makes it easier to meet people, but it would only be a growth in quantity, not necessarily quality. Once you understand it is a numbers game, you need to get your expectations right, and just think about the date itself as a moment you need to make enjoyable. If you come in thinking she might be your future wife, it will never happen and you will have a pretty terrible time because thinking too far ahead will make you both anxious and less attractive. Do not do it to yourself.
Early on, I nurtured a little bit of hope for a girl in particular, because she displayed attributes I liked. There was something alternative about her, mysterious, elegant. We did get physical, but something felt off. Unsurprisingly, after meeting a couple of times, we quickly called it off. There was neither a point nor a desire to be friends even, why should we work as a couple or whatever other label makes people feel more comfortable?
A better way to approach that process is just to be friendlier overall, more benevolent, optimistic and playful. Both parties involved should realize that if they make a friend, it is already a success. People might be different from what you hoped for, but you should still try to have a good time along the way. Additionally, there is nothing wrong in being more intimate with a why-not, you have no moral obligation to only chase after a fuck-yes.
At that breaking point, two people made me reflect on the dating process. First, a good female friend of mine went through my profile and thought it lacked the originality that she knew I had. Consequently, instead of displaying a half-assed resume about what I like/dislike/want/reject, I decided to write a quite lengthy text on what I learned about online dating after 2 months of using the website. A bit of quirkiness, a bit of sensibility (no bitterness) and you're golden, girls will relate to your experience as they've gone through the same and you can start exchanging horror stories about past attempts. Thinking about my profile as more than just a resume improved the number and the quality of the people that wanted to meet me.
Another person influenced me, my mother. For the life of her, she just could not understand what getting a drink with a date meant. For her, getting closer to someone meant doing something together. How do you build trust if meeting someone is exchanging pleasantries as you evaluate the other? She had a point, but I could not see doing without the interview-like aspect of dating. I do want to know more about the girl, and too adventurous a date is not the best environment. You might overthink, you might not discuss enough.
As I turned 29 in January 2014, I happened to have a lot of free time, I felt comfortable in my skin and I had a great desire to socialize. I must have met between 12 and 15 women that month. And there comes the realization that it is fuc-king te-di-ous. You get confused about what you had said to that girl or that girl, you find yourself repeating the same things over and over again, and it is just a drag overall. How could I have a better time?
One night, I decided to play a game with my date. She was cute, I liked her and I felt like she could like me. But I am sure people who have done dating can relate: when can you go in for a kiss? What is the process? How to make it fun, and not seem desperate? I thought of a plan to make me feel better, because in truth, the following game is really about making yourself feel better, not about manipulating the other. You know how to ride a bike? Did you learn with extra wheels? This following game is to getting physical what using extra wheels is to riding a bike.
I was playing a fair bit of poker back then and randomly, I remembered a video I had seen with Phil Hellmuth who said he could read minds better than most. He would tell someone "Tell me 10 things about you, true or false, and I will guess whether I believe you or you are lying to me!".
I reversed the roles. I told her "okay here's the deal, I will tell you 10 things about me, and you will guess whether it is true or not. Try to do better than using a coin toss, beat the 50/50 odds, try to get at least 6 right!".
You are then in a position to be entertaining and lead the conversation exactly where you want it to be.
"First statement... I am actually of Italian and Polish descent".
She will say if she thinks it is true or false, and then you can talk about your family, your history, showing how you care about them, etc. We all feel like strangers do not have history, here is an opportunity to show yours. Do not miss the chance to ask her about herself before going back to the game.
"Second statement... I went to that place"
Use your phone. Show photos. Ask about her travels. Once again, it is not just about you.
"Third statement... I have a piercing"
Throw in some to be funny. Be imaginative, do not come in with a set of statements already made, just think of them on the spot. It is quite hard, but worth it. Adapt to the person you are talking to.
Keep going like that, and I assure you you will have a good time. But here comes the cherry on top. You are laughing, you feel the moment... then you get to the 9th statement. When it comes to myself, my body language can be a bit fidgety, I am pleasant but there is just a little tiny bit of Woody Allen's style in me. I'm all smiles, I look around, I look embarassed, I eventually look back at her general direction and I say...
"Ninth statement... I like you a lot."
Boom, game over. If she is arrogant she will say yes and smile. Most will say "oh my god, can you imagine you saying that and it is is not true?". The point is... you get to say after: "... yes. Yes, it is true." And you go on.
"... okay, Tenth statement!... I really want to kiss you."
Done. Do not bother with talking. Just go for it after she says true. Sometimes they will lean in.
I played this game a number of times after the first. It did work. In truth, I do not think it is about the game, the trick is that it is about having the right mindset.
I am going back to online dating these days. I haven't used the game yet. I don't think I will because it feels like too familiar territory for me to enjoy it. Instead, I sometimes tell the story. Here is the first time I wrote about it.
For a month or two, I went through your standard experience. Online dating is just like every day life: a crushing number of people are just not for you. Internet makes it easier to meet people, but it would only be a growth in quantity, not necessarily quality. Once you understand it is a numbers game, you need to get your expectations right, and just think about the date itself as a moment you need to make enjoyable. If you come in thinking she might be your future wife, it will never happen and you will have a pretty terrible time because thinking too far ahead will make you both anxious and less attractive. Do not do it to yourself.
Early on, I nurtured a little bit of hope for a girl in particular, because she displayed attributes I liked. There was something alternative about her, mysterious, elegant. We did get physical, but something felt off. Unsurprisingly, after meeting a couple of times, we quickly called it off. There was neither a point nor a desire to be friends even, why should we work as a couple or whatever other label makes people feel more comfortable?
A better way to approach that process is just to be friendlier overall, more benevolent, optimistic and playful. Both parties involved should realize that if they make a friend, it is already a success. People might be different from what you hoped for, but you should still try to have a good time along the way. Additionally, there is nothing wrong in being more intimate with a why-not, you have no moral obligation to only chase after a fuck-yes.
At that breaking point, two people made me reflect on the dating process. First, a good female friend of mine went through my profile and thought it lacked the originality that she knew I had. Consequently, instead of displaying a half-assed resume about what I like/dislike/want/reject, I decided to write a quite lengthy text on what I learned about online dating after 2 months of using the website. A bit of quirkiness, a bit of sensibility (no bitterness) and you're golden, girls will relate to your experience as they've gone through the same and you can start exchanging horror stories about past attempts. Thinking about my profile as more than just a resume improved the number and the quality of the people that wanted to meet me.
Another person influenced me, my mother. For the life of her, she just could not understand what getting a drink with a date meant. For her, getting closer to someone meant doing something together. How do you build trust if meeting someone is exchanging pleasantries as you evaluate the other? She had a point, but I could not see doing without the interview-like aspect of dating. I do want to know more about the girl, and too adventurous a date is not the best environment. You might overthink, you might not discuss enough.
As I turned 29 in January 2014, I happened to have a lot of free time, I felt comfortable in my skin and I had a great desire to socialize. I must have met between 12 and 15 women that month. And there comes the realization that it is fuc-king te-di-ous. You get confused about what you had said to that girl or that girl, you find yourself repeating the same things over and over again, and it is just a drag overall. How could I have a better time?
One night, I decided to play a game with my date. She was cute, I liked her and I felt like she could like me. But I am sure people who have done dating can relate: when can you go in for a kiss? What is the process? How to make it fun, and not seem desperate? I thought of a plan to make me feel better, because in truth, the following game is really about making yourself feel better, not about manipulating the other. You know how to ride a bike? Did you learn with extra wheels? This following game is to getting physical what using extra wheels is to riding a bike.
I was playing a fair bit of poker back then and randomly, I remembered a video I had seen with Phil Hellmuth who said he could read minds better than most. He would tell someone "Tell me 10 things about you, true or false, and I will guess whether I believe you or you are lying to me!".
I reversed the roles. I told her "okay here's the deal, I will tell you 10 things about me, and you will guess whether it is true or not. Try to do better than using a coin toss, beat the 50/50 odds, try to get at least 6 right!".
You are then in a position to be entertaining and lead the conversation exactly where you want it to be.
"First statement... I am actually of Italian and Polish descent".
She will say if she thinks it is true or false, and then you can talk about your family, your history, showing how you care about them, etc. We all feel like strangers do not have history, here is an opportunity to show yours. Do not miss the chance to ask her about herself before going back to the game.
"Second statement... I went to that place"
Use your phone. Show photos. Ask about her travels. Once again, it is not just about you.
"Third statement... I have a piercing"
Throw in some to be funny. Be imaginative, do not come in with a set of statements already made, just think of them on the spot. It is quite hard, but worth it. Adapt to the person you are talking to.
Keep going like that, and I assure you you will have a good time. But here comes the cherry on top. You are laughing, you feel the moment... then you get to the 9th statement. When it comes to myself, my body language can be a bit fidgety, I am pleasant but there is just a little tiny bit of Woody Allen's style in me. I'm all smiles, I look around, I look embarassed, I eventually look back at her general direction and I say...
"Ninth statement... I like you a lot."
Boom, game over. If she is arrogant she will say yes and smile. Most will say "oh my god, can you imagine you saying that and it is is not true?". The point is... you get to say after: "... yes. Yes, it is true." And you go on.
"... okay, Tenth statement!... I really want to kiss you."
Done. Do not bother with talking. Just go for it after she says true. Sometimes they will lean in.
I played this game a number of times after the first. It did work. In truth, I do not think it is about the game, the trick is that it is about having the right mindset.
I am going back to online dating these days. I haven't used the game yet. I don't think I will because it feels like too familiar territory for me to enjoy it. Instead, I sometimes tell the story. Here is the first time I wrote about it.
The interview-style process of dating is, exactly as you said, tedious. It took me some time to make the parallel, but the same type of rejection I felt from dating was also evident in the job hunt. Many times afterwards I would figure out it was for the most asinine of reasons, too, or worse yet, that there was always someone else.
But that's not here nor there.
Great write-up, and I think my biggest takeaway is to actually go into the experience to have fun and enjoy places and company you would otherwise not. It gets tiring after a while to go through the same pattern.
But that's not here nor there.
Great write-up, and I think my biggest takeaway is to actually go into the experience to have fun and enjoy places and company you would otherwise not. It gets tiring after a while to go through the same pattern.
That's a great text and I agree with you. It's all about how you approach the date and if you are ready to just have a relaxed fun evening with somebody new. And this is really true about everything else as well, not just dates. Your attitude really means a lot.
That game is awesome though, will try it the next time.
That game is awesome though, will try it the next time.
