TL;DR: Should I let my ex crash on the couch at my new apartment for one night when she comes to visit the pets and pick up her stuff?
Hey ya'll. It's been a long ass time since I posted here. Nice to see some familiar names from the past. Hope everyone is doing well. Anyways, there is a ton of missing context to this story, but my gf of 7 years broke up with me 2 days before my birthday in August. We had been long distance for ~4 months while she does a clinical rotation in AZ. We are currently both seeing someone else. My girl and I agreed to be exclusive, but not official, and she plans to visit once a month, with fun date nights and video games together throughout the weeks. I'm fairly optimistic that we will survive long distance much better than my ex and I did. We have much more in common, incredible communication (so far), and neither one of us is losing their mind in grad school. I have no idea what my ex's plan with her man is once she's out of AZ.
Our current lease is up in 8 days, and I'm moving back to San Diego with our pets. She (my ex) wants to come visit on the weekend after next, mostly to see the dogs and pick up her stuff. She's pretty broke and owes me money for car payments, but she's also dating her preceptor, who happens to make $$$$$.
This is my first breakup with any sort of significance - I have no experience navigating this situation. My mental health is pretty good lately, I've been going to therapy, staying busy at the gym, work, life, etc. I tried thinking about how I would feel greeting her, whether I wanted to kiss her, sleep with her, etc, and I definitely don't. Almost overwhelming feelings of disgust and betrayal is all I felt, so I doubt I'll be tempted to break the agreement I have with new girl - and I'm definitely going to let her know if my ex ends up staying at my place.
I really just want to know what some people here think about this situation. Would you let your ex stay with you for a night?
Hey ya'll. It's been a long ass time since I posted here. Nice to see some familiar names from the past. Hope everyone is doing well. Anyways, there is a ton of missing context to this story, but my gf of 7 years broke up with me 2 days before my birthday in August. We had been long distance for ~4 months while she does a clinical rotation in AZ. We are currently both seeing someone else. My girl and I agreed to be exclusive, but not official, and she plans to visit once a month, with fun date nights and video games together throughout the weeks. I'm fairly optimistic that we will survive long distance much better than my ex and I did. We have much more in common, incredible communication (so far), and neither one of us is losing their mind in grad school. I have no idea what my ex's plan with her man is once she's out of AZ.
Our current lease is up in 8 days, and I'm moving back to San Diego with our pets. She (my ex) wants to come visit on the weekend after next, mostly to see the dogs and pick up her stuff. She's pretty broke and owes me money for car payments, but she's also dating her preceptor, who happens to make $$$$$.
This is my first breakup with any sort of significance - I have no experience navigating this situation. My mental health is pretty good lately, I've been going to therapy, staying busy at the gym, work, life, etc. I tried thinking about how I would feel greeting her, whether I wanted to kiss her, sleep with her, etc, and I definitely don't. Almost overwhelming feelings of disgust and betrayal is all I felt, so I doubt I'll be tempted to break the agreement I have with new girl - and I'm definitely going to let her know if my ex ends up staying at my place.
I really just want to know what some people here think about this situation. Would you let your ex stay with you for a night?
Your current unofficial girlfriend doesn't even weigh in for this. I wouldn't have her over for the sole reason of potentially reopening old wounds or hurting your mental health. You gain nothing from it and risk drastically reducing your peace if either of you start feeling a certain way. Especially because it's usually very temporary
Does she have friends? Have them pick up her stuff before you move. I'm not trying to move my exes shit too if I'm you tbh. If a friend doesn't have space they can put it up in storage or something. Screw any overnight visit too, if she wants to see dogs that bad she can airbnb in your new city and you can meet at a park.
Absolutely do not let her stay.
And yet you consider this person to stay the night?
Tell her to sleep in her car if her new man doesn’t care enough about her to put her in a hotel/motel/Airbnb
Almost overwhelming feelings of disgust and betrayal is all I felt
And yet you consider this person to stay the night?
owes me money for car paymentsShe already owes you money and you’re gonna give her free housing?
Tell her to sleep in her car if her new man doesn’t care enough about her to put her in a hotel/motel/Airbnb
Thanks, guys. Basically what I expected the responses to be, just needed to see them so I don't feel so much like an asshole.
By data Go To PostYour current unofficial girlfriend doesn't even weigh in for this. I wouldn't have her over for the sole reason of potentially reopening old wounds or hurting your mental health. You gain nothing from it and risk drastically reducing your peace if either of you start feeling a certain way. Especially because it's usually very temporaryAgreed. That's my biggest worry. I'm already a hopeless people pleaser (which is a work in progress); when I told her "no" this morning, she immediately came back with "you won't even let me crash on the couch to snuggle the pets?", and I told her I'd think about it. There's no way seeing her in person for the first time since late June won't fuck me up emotionally.
By SP Go To PostAbsolutely do not let her stay.I was thinking I could view her as just a friend, but it's way too soon for that, and seeing her will only hurt me and magnify those feelings. As for the car, it's way more embarrassing then just owing me money: the car is in my name and she's making full payments on it until she graduates, at which time she will pay it off and I'll transfer the title to her. I don't think she harbors any ill feelings towards me and I am 99% confident that she will stick to our agreement. Especially while I have the dogs and cat with me. Staying on the couch for 1 night wouldn't be the worst trade in the world if feelings weren't involved.
And yet you consider this person to stay the night?
She already owes you money and you’re gonna give her free housing?
Tell her to sleep in her car if her new man doesn’t care enough about her to put her in a hotel/motel/Airbnb
Yeah, she can get a hotel. I would expect only trouble to happen if you let her in.
What if she takes the pets and bails during the night? I wouldn't trust it.
What if she takes the pets and bails during the night? I wouldn't trust it.
By balddemon Go To PostShould I let my ex crash on the couch
broke up with me 2 days before my birthday in August.
Hell no. This is all I needed to read, anything beyond that is running up the score. Tell her to go buy a tent, then delete her number.
I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that she will not take the animals and run in the middle of the night, for many reasons, least of all being she moves every 3 months or so and has no room for 2 large dogs and a cat that won't even recognize her.
Regardless, thanks for all the responses. I'm leaning towards telling her to find a place to stay, but she can hang out with the animals for a few hours during the day while I play videogames or get some work done.
I think I know what you're implying, but she would be fucking dumb to think that I want anything more than acquaintanceship with her after she betrayed my trust and broke my heart. I guess we'll see lol.
Regardless, thanks for all the responses. I'm leaning towards telling her to find a place to stay, but she can hang out with the animals for a few hours during the day while I play videogames or get some work done.
By Daz Go To PostVisit the pets?
I think I know what you're implying, but she would be fucking dumb to think that I want anything more than acquaintanceship with her after she betrayed my trust and broke my heart. I guess we'll see lol.
glad to hear you're doing well man!
7 years is a hell of a run all things considered but yeah you're not running a shelter lol. she's an adult so expecting her to act like one isn't a stretch. mail the stuff, have a friend get it, etc.
when the lines aren't blurry and things become more clear, whatever. immediately after a break up? respect the space you both need
7 years is a hell of a run all things considered but yeah you're not running a shelter lol. she's an adult so expecting her to act like one isn't a stretch. mail the stuff, have a friend get it, etc.
when the lines aren't blurry and things become more clear, whatever. immediately after a break up? respect the space you both need
By balddemon Go To PostII think what they are implying is fuck her pet visitation rights.
I think I know what you're implying, but she would be fucking dumb to think that I want anything more than acquaintanceship with her after she betrayed my trust and broke my heart. I guess we'll see lol.
At least that's how I read it.
7 years and she broke up with before your birthday? She’s with someone else too in that 3 month span afterwards? And now all of a sudden she wants to “see the pets” and STAY at the crib?
Man if you don’t tell her to go see hell. Tell her to fuck off and delete her number.
Man if you don’t tell her to go see hell. Tell her to fuck off and delete her number.
By blackace Go To PostI think what they are implying is fuck her pet visitation rights.yes.
At least that's how I read it.
You guys still talk on the regular or something? Why are you entertaining this and why does she feel comfortable spending the night?
Doesn’t really seem like she quite understands how you feel betrayed and disgusted, but maybe you’re not making yourself clear.
First impression is that you’re out to get hurt again. Do you need to see her?
Doesn’t really seem like she quite understands how you feel betrayed and disgusted, but maybe you’re not making yourself clear.
First impression is that you’re out to get hurt again. Do you need to see her?
By domino Go To Postyes.Is she paying Pet support?
By blackace Go To PostI think what they are implying is fuck her pet visitation rights.
At least that's how I read it.
👆
Honestly, you do what you feel is right.
The fact that she keeps pushing to be in your space after a straight "no" is fucked up man. She can visit the pets without contaminating your new place with her bullshit.
By SP Go To Postspeaking of men and bad decisions, anyone know what Vire is up to these days
I think about this quite a bit.
By Smokey Go To PostHope he didn't accidentally fall down 16 flights of stairsOr got HIMARS'd
So on my recent trip to Lisbon and Porto, I went to dinner with an old friend.
We know eachother for almost 18 years. I met her when I was studying at Lisbon, she was a classmate of a friend of mine, they were both studying Psychology.
We hit it off almost immediately. She had excellent taste in music, movies and literature. We talked for hours and were very close. We would go play pool and I would put myself behind her correcting her position by moving her hips. She would casually hold my hand.
One time we were out with a big big group of people and she pulled me aside to another bar because she wanted to be alone with me.
Things reached a point that my friends pointed out to me that in a group of 10 where there were 3 couples, me and her were the ones who behaved more like a couple.
There's something I haven't said before, she is a bit quirky. Like, start making weird noises out of nowhere, say the wrong thing at social moments like when her sister asked to say something at a family dinner and she said out loud that her sister was pregnant to the shock of the whole family (it wasn't, it was actually that her sister was moving out and she knew that).
Going back to my memories, I decided that I needed to talk with her. After we went to see a movie with another couple, I went with her to her bus stop and said that I needed to say something.
She started to panic, took out a pen and started to draw on my face while I was saying to her that I needed to understand where we are, that we were really close and I was starting to fall in love with her.
Her bus arrived, she kissed me in the forehead and run inside the bus.
The following day I went to see her and my friend after my classes. They had to present a class work but her laptop was acting up.
I tried to fix it but she started lashing out at me, saying things were so good and I had to ruin it all.
It was close to Christmas break and things stayed civil for a while. We exchanged Christmas gifts, she invited me and our mutual friend to her house for that.
After New Year's, she started to miss classes. I was going through some stuff and we lost contact for a while.
The following year I had transferred to another university, she stopped going to hers.
We met up a few months later, just the two of us and had a lovely time.
6 months later I left Lisbon. I had been battling a depression for years and had finally been getting treatment (which I can honestly say saved my life) but while I was better, I was in no shape to continue studying and went back to my island to try and live my life.
Years passed, I improved, my life become more interesting and better but we would occasionally send each other emails to check up on eachother.
In 2015 I went to Primavera Sound Porto alone. Had a wonderful time but in the middle of the crowd I thought I saw her. After the festival I dropped her message on Facebook saying that I thought I saw her.
She replied that it was probably her because she also thought she had seen me and we both regretted not going to talk to the other.
We kept talking more regularly and in December 2019 I went to Lisbon on work for a workshop at Microsoft Portugal's headquarters.
I said to her that I was going to be in Lisbon for 40h but I would love to see her.
We set up a dinner after my workshop.
I made an effort and dressed up with a blazer that I loved.
She was actually sick with the flu on the day but she made an effort to go to dinner and it was great.
10 years had passed since we had been together and it all felt so natural.
I know she doesn't have an easy time connecting to people but she clearly was feeling great with me.
After dinner we already had plans made for 2020.
She would come to my island in March for my birthday, I would go to Lisbon for Nos Alive in July (which would coincide with her birthday) and in September we would go to Czech Republic.
A week before she was supposed to arrive at my island, Portugal started COVID lockdown...
All our plans went to shit, we kept talking regularly but with time more and more less.
This year I decided to take my first vacation outside of my island in 7 years. I was going to be in Lisbon for the Champions League match between Sporting and Frankfurt and I wanted to be with her.
As soon as I messaged her that I was going to be in Lisbon and wanted to see her, she immediately said yes.
She chose the restaurant, we met up and it was so natural once again. No awkward silences, just two people completely at ease each other.
She is a cute woman, not a standout beauty, but cute. I've always known her to dress very conservatively.
But not for this dinner. She was dressed with a white lacy white top that showed her white bra and black mini skirt with transparent leggings.
During dinner she talked about our dinner and she still knew how I was dressed on that dinner 3 years after.
The dinner was lovely, we went to a jazz club after.
We talked about our lives and relationships. She is 37 (a year older than me), living with her parents and doesn't have any social life outside of work.
She had one relationship since I met her and while there are guys that talk to her, they mainly just want sex and she doesn't want that.
She told me that she saw my Instagram stories at Sporting's stadium and that she knew that was the reason I was in Lisbon.
I said that she was partly right, because that was the reason I had been in Lisbon the day before but she was the reason why I stayed another day (what I didn't say was that it cost me almost 100€, 10% of my monthly wage, to stay that extra day).
She kissed my forehead and we huffed for almost a minute.
We were both having a wonderful time but she was clearly exhausted. She had woken up at 6am and left work straight to go to our dinner. I didn't want the night to end but said that it was time to leave because she was so tired.
I walked her to the metro station and said that I would keep her company until her station but she said no because it would be more than 1h to take her and come back so she decided that we should walk until the station closer to my hostel.
And so we did, for almost 2km holding eachother.
We arrived at the station and had one of the longest goodbyes ever.
Long hugs, she pushed my face to kiss me on the cheek, it took more than 1 minute.
After we let go of eachother, we kept walking but both looking back until our views were blocked.
Later in the night, I sent her a text saying that it had been hard for me to see her go.
She answered that it had been the same for her and she hated to say goodbye to me with knowing when she would see me again.
I told her later that I felt those 4h together weren't enough but even 40h together would never be enough and she said she felt the same.
I feel that there's something there but there's 1200km of ocean between us.
I'm going to send her a package for Christmas, some local stuff and a video of all the great things that exist here to get her to visit.
I need to spend more than a couple of hours together so I can see if there's really something there.
We know eachother for almost 18 years. I met her when I was studying at Lisbon, she was a classmate of a friend of mine, they were both studying Psychology.
We hit it off almost immediately. She had excellent taste in music, movies and literature. We talked for hours and were very close. We would go play pool and I would put myself behind her correcting her position by moving her hips. She would casually hold my hand.
One time we were out with a big big group of people and she pulled me aside to another bar because she wanted to be alone with me.
Things reached a point that my friends pointed out to me that in a group of 10 where there were 3 couples, me and her were the ones who behaved more like a couple.
There's something I haven't said before, she is a bit quirky. Like, start making weird noises out of nowhere, say the wrong thing at social moments like when her sister asked to say something at a family dinner and she said out loud that her sister was pregnant to the shock of the whole family (it wasn't, it was actually that her sister was moving out and she knew that).
Going back to my memories, I decided that I needed to talk with her. After we went to see a movie with another couple, I went with her to her bus stop and said that I needed to say something.
She started to panic, took out a pen and started to draw on my face while I was saying to her that I needed to understand where we are, that we were really close and I was starting to fall in love with her.
Her bus arrived, she kissed me in the forehead and run inside the bus.
The following day I went to see her and my friend after my classes. They had to present a class work but her laptop was acting up.
I tried to fix it but she started lashing out at me, saying things were so good and I had to ruin it all.
It was close to Christmas break and things stayed civil for a while. We exchanged Christmas gifts, she invited me and our mutual friend to her house for that.
After New Year's, she started to miss classes. I was going through some stuff and we lost contact for a while.
The following year I had transferred to another university, she stopped going to hers.
We met up a few months later, just the two of us and had a lovely time.
6 months later I left Lisbon. I had been battling a depression for years and had finally been getting treatment (which I can honestly say saved my life) but while I was better, I was in no shape to continue studying and went back to my island to try and live my life.
Years passed, I improved, my life become more interesting and better but we would occasionally send each other emails to check up on eachother.
In 2015 I went to Primavera Sound Porto alone. Had a wonderful time but in the middle of the crowd I thought I saw her. After the festival I dropped her message on Facebook saying that I thought I saw her.
She replied that it was probably her because she also thought she had seen me and we both regretted not going to talk to the other.
We kept talking more regularly and in December 2019 I went to Lisbon on work for a workshop at Microsoft Portugal's headquarters.
I said to her that I was going to be in Lisbon for 40h but I would love to see her.
We set up a dinner after my workshop.
I made an effort and dressed up with a blazer that I loved.
She was actually sick with the flu on the day but she made an effort to go to dinner and it was great.
10 years had passed since we had been together and it all felt so natural.
I know she doesn't have an easy time connecting to people but she clearly was feeling great with me.
After dinner we already had plans made for 2020.
She would come to my island in March for my birthday, I would go to Lisbon for Nos Alive in July (which would coincide with her birthday) and in September we would go to Czech Republic.
A week before she was supposed to arrive at my island, Portugal started COVID lockdown...
All our plans went to shit, we kept talking regularly but with time more and more less.
This year I decided to take my first vacation outside of my island in 7 years. I was going to be in Lisbon for the Champions League match between Sporting and Frankfurt and I wanted to be with her.
As soon as I messaged her that I was going to be in Lisbon and wanted to see her, she immediately said yes.
She chose the restaurant, we met up and it was so natural once again. No awkward silences, just two people completely at ease each other.
She is a cute woman, not a standout beauty, but cute. I've always known her to dress very conservatively.
But not for this dinner. She was dressed with a white lacy white top that showed her white bra and black mini skirt with transparent leggings.
During dinner she talked about our dinner and she still knew how I was dressed on that dinner 3 years after.
The dinner was lovely, we went to a jazz club after.
We talked about our lives and relationships. She is 37 (a year older than me), living with her parents and doesn't have any social life outside of work.
She had one relationship since I met her and while there are guys that talk to her, they mainly just want sex and she doesn't want that.
She told me that she saw my Instagram stories at Sporting's stadium and that she knew that was the reason I was in Lisbon.
I said that she was partly right, because that was the reason I had been in Lisbon the day before but she was the reason why I stayed another day (what I didn't say was that it cost me almost 100€, 10% of my monthly wage, to stay that extra day).
She kissed my forehead and we huffed for almost a minute.
We were both having a wonderful time but she was clearly exhausted. She had woken up at 6am and left work straight to go to our dinner. I didn't want the night to end but said that it was time to leave because she was so tired.
I walked her to the metro station and said that I would keep her company until her station but she said no because it would be more than 1h to take her and come back so she decided that we should walk until the station closer to my hostel.
And so we did, for almost 2km holding eachother.
We arrived at the station and had one of the longest goodbyes ever.
Long hugs, she pushed my face to kiss me on the cheek, it took more than 1 minute.
After we let go of eachother, we kept walking but both looking back until our views were blocked.
Later in the night, I sent her a text saying that it had been hard for me to see her go.
She answered that it had been the same for her and she hated to say goodbye to me with knowing when she would see me again.
I told her later that I felt those 4h together weren't enough but even 40h together would never be enough and she said she felt the same.
I feel that there's something there but there's 1200km of ocean between us.
I'm going to send her a package for Christmas, some local stuff and a video of all the great things that exist here to get her to visit.
I need to spend more than a couple of hours together so I can see if there's really something there.
Her bus arrived, she kissed me in the forehead and run inside the bus.
Long hugs, she pushed my face to kiss me on the cheek
martins….
Long hugs, she pushed my face to kiss me on the cheek
martins….
By Yurtlicious Go To PostMartins annual dating escapades:😂
Martins is my HERO.
No matter how many hits he takes, he gets back up, dusts himself down and be like
No matter how many hits he takes, he gets back up, dusts himself down and be like
By LFMartins86 Go To PostI feel that there's something there but there's 1200km of ocean between us.Metaphor?
By n8 dogg Go To Postwhen will she kiss you on the dick, brotherFixed
By Daz Go To PostMartins is my HERO.you ain't supposed to take Ls like that 😂
No matter how many hits he takes, he gets back up, dusts himself down and be like
By FortuneFaded Go To PostMetaphor?Actually 1600km of Atlantic Ocean.
As it was obvious, I was drunk when I wrote that extensive post and ended up texting her.
Said it might be weird but I missed her, how it felt so natural when we were together even when so many years have passed and how much physical distance was between us and that she was special to me.
She ended up responding that she was sick but my words immediately made her feel better, that she felt the same, that I was special to her too and that she felt that she knem even longer than the 18 years we know eachother.
I purposely never use the word friend or friendship with her and neither does she.
Normally I expect a woman to use those words if I started saying such intensive things just to define the limits but I also know she sometimes doesn't interpret those situations like "normal" people.
She is 37, still lives with her parents (which I also do but it feels like a more normal thing here than in Lisbon), she has no social life outside of work.
Only times she goes out with anyone is with her parents or with her sister.
Barely any social media presence, her Facebook has 3 photos and the last one was from 2019, Instagram has no posts, pretty much she only posts stories when she is traveling (alone) like last week when she went to Prague.
Definitely not like pretty much every woman I know.
Even when we went to a bar after our dinner, she said it was one of her favourites and she hadn't gone in 8 years because she doesn't go out.
We have a connection, that much is true. It all clicks when we are together.
I just want her to come here for a week, show her what my life is and more importantly to see if there's really something there more than friendship.
I am not obsessed with her. Yesterday I went out dancing to a club with a friend, danced with a few women and had some pleasant conversations.
Today I went to a dance workshop with that friend, it was pretty much me and 3 women so I danced with them all, my friend was there and another woman who I had danced with the previous night who said more than once how much fun she had with me.
I am not closing any doors and I am out there, meeting people with an open mind.
Still there's no woman I felt more compatibility than with my friend from Lisbon, not even any of my ex's.
It's a near impossible situation, we have a goddamn ocean between us, I am not leaving my island as my job in the government is for life at this point, I have a house that was newly built 8 years ago that it's going to be for me (2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, two living rooms, a kitchen and an room for the washing/drying machines) but it's currently being rented and there's a quality of life here that you can't get anywhere else.
It doesn't make any sense to think about a relationship with her but if she ends up feeling something more than friendship for me, I am willing to try and make it work somehow.
18 years, 4 relationships, hundreds of new people that I've met and my heart still skips a bit when I see her.
It's not just physically (although she is pretty cute), I've had girlfriends that people would consider more beautiful than her but none of them would fit in terms of personality, personal tastes and instant connection as I have with her.
“I just want her to come here for a week, show her what my life is and more importantly to see if there's really something there more than friendship.”
m8, just tell her this
m8, just tell her this
By You got 14 bricks right there? Go To PostSounds like yall meant to be together, convince her to move there.We have to be together for a few days, see if there's something real there.
It's easy to create an almost mythological idea of the other person when you spend so much time apart.
From my part, one of my issues with my ex's was that we were on different levels culturally.
I've recently been wanting to rewatch Portrait Of A Lady On Fire.
Any of my ex's would complain if put on a movie that wasn't in English.
It might seem like nothing but music, movies and books are important to me.
With her not only our tastes aligned but mine were expanded.
When it comes to her part, I can only guess but the fact that I was someone who she rejected in the past for relationship but didn't pushed her away and still wanted to stay connected with her without constantly pushing for a relationship probably helps.
She also has issues with being at ease with people and she feels comfortable with me, not only in terms of just talking but touching the other person and feeling good about being touched (I'm talking about hugs, holding eachother and other "innocent" touches).
When two people haven't had much luck in terms of love, it's normal to feel the attraction to something that felt comfortable but that isn't enough to make a relationship work.
So we need time together, a week isn't enough but it would probably help us both figure out some things.
By Crusher Go To PostLove it. It’s a beautiful island, you can show her a good time. I wouldn’t waste any time.I'm working on that. I'm getting a package ready for her. Local goodies, a video with all the good things this island has like some sunsets we can see together, there are some places here where the golden hour is truly wonderful when the weather is right, incredible colours in the sky and two islands in distance, is truly something.
Also going to put an heartfelt letter, about how I met her when my life was on the lowest points but she was a little light that kept on shining on my life and while I might only see her with the same frequency as there is a meteor shower, I have the same reaction when I see her as when I see a falling star, I always ask for a wish and each time the wish is the same, to spend more time with her.
