2014 NBA Oct |OT| Pass MJ or Die Trying

Pat Riley put together a team with the foundation of Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade and Lebron James that was able to rank among the most unlikable teams in team sports history. Starting from the illegal way they were put together, the way their best player let the world know he was leaving his former team, the grandstanding prior to ever playing together and their failure to win a NBA title the first year together after dominating NBA coverage nearly every day. It’s hard to imagine a NBA team ever reaching such unlikable heights in our lifetime. Pat Riley already looks back at the team with nostalgic fondness, “Yea, they sure were something else. Remember how two of our stars mocked the opposing star’s flu during the Finals right before they got mollywhopped? Oh boy, that was distasteful.” So how we ask can Miami be so confident in their ability to remain unlikable? Pat had a few words to give on the subject, “Well when you lose Lebron James, and Ray Allen while signing Chris Bosh long term, of course the question of hatred sustainability comes up. But we were able to retain D Wade who has long been an incredibly unlikable person and player.” It’s the kind of talk you expect from the person who just saw his abhorrent dynasty crumble, but just moments later Pat put his guard down and gave some honest and realistic analysts of the situation, “Look, unless you somehow get Jeffrey Dahmer to run point for your team, it’s gonna be hard to stack up against that Heat team I put together. Sure, Mario Chalmers is a good start but he’s more annoying than anything else.”







A Brief Off & Pre Season History




Eastern Conference

Last Season Record:15-67
PreSeason Record:3-4
Among the pages of The Book of Mormon, one of the often talked about points of interest is the assertion that Jesus appeared in the ancient Americas before ascending to Heaven. The Bucks will look to their own Mormon Jesus in hopes of eventually ascending to the NBA Finals or at least the playoffs. Bucks claimed Kendall Marshall off waivers, signed Jerryd Bayless, ditched Larry Drew and hired Jason Kidd to spill his drinks on and off the court in Milwaukee.



Last Season Record:19-63
PreSeason Record:2-6
Philly continued the tank, but some may question if they know how to do anything else anymore. First they wisely drafted Embiid who won’t be playing much if at all this season, but he is already the frontrunner for best twitter feed. 6ers also drafted Dario Saric and Vasilije who also will not play this year. Thadeous Young will not play for Philly this year since he was traded for Miami’s 1st round pick, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute and nothing else of value (Alexey Shved). Guard Russ Smith was traded for Pierre Jackson who went on to injure himself the very first day of Summer League probably because The front office demanded it. Nerlens Noel on the other hand WILL, I repeat probably will play this season. Last but not least, MCW underwent shoulder surgery as a sacrifice to the Philly God Allenian Iversonious, Philly did not set a timetable for his return and he has missed all of pre-season. Lastly they took on Keith Bogan's contract for a 2nd round pick from Cleveland.



Last Season Record:23-59
PreSeason Record:4-4
Orlando said goodbye to Jameer Nelson and Aaron Afflalo. Signed Luke Ridnour and acquired Evan Fournier (as well as some guy named Roy Devyn Marble) in the Afflalo trade. Peyton Siva was signed in Free agency. Prospect, Jusuf Nurkic’s draft rights were traded for two future firsts and Anthony Randolph (who was then promptly waived so he could fufuill his childhood dream of playing basketball in Russia) The Magic drafted Aaron Gordon….for some reason….Signed Ben Gordon…for some reason…decided to pay Channing Frye from now until 2019….for some reason. On the bright side Elfred Payton had MCW shook once already and that was before he even laced up. Oh then Oladipo fractured his face and will be out indefinitely and has not played all preseason already due to a sprained MCL.



Last Season Record:25-57
PreSeason Record:5-3
Re-signed Avery Bradely(G), signed Evan “LockerRoom Poison” Turner, dumped Kris Humphries like they were Kim K, drafted Marcus Smart (PG) and James Young (G). Ainge successfully traded for a Cavs future first, Tyler Zeller and Marcus Thornton. Ainge unsuccessfully tried to give the re-build a shot in the arm by acquiring Kevin Love but Minnesota was for some reason not interested in acquiring pure unadulterated shit in exchange for the All Star Forward.
Update: added shit and two picks for Keith Bogans.



Last Season Record:29-53
PreSeason Record:5-2
The biggest move Detroit made this offseason was hiring Stan Van Gundy as coach and President. Despite having the 5th worst record in the east, Detroit’s only rookie addition is Spencer Dinwiddie at 38th overall. Detroit’s first round draft pick was given to The Hornets since it fell outside of the top 8 (part of the Ben Gordon/ Corey Magette trade), a stroke of luck that experts described as, “hilarious”. Caron Butler and DJ Augustin were both signed as free agents. Detroit has a young promising big in Drummond and a good pairing in PF Monroe, this seems like a slam dunk situation but like many slam dunk situations Josh Smith is there to take an ill-advised contested 3 in form of his very existence on the team. The Pistons also added free agents Jodie Meeks, Aaron Gray and Cartier Martin.



Last Season Record:33-49
PreSeason Record:5-2
Signed Kyrie to a 5 year contract. Traded for Malcolm Thomas, Erik Murphy, Brendan Haywood, Kevin Love, Dwight Powell and John Lucas III. Drafted Andrew Wiggins 2nd overall (later traded), Joe Harris at 33rd overall. Signed Mike Miller, James Jones, Lebron James, Alex Kirk and Shawn Marion. Cleveland also dumped their coach and replaced him with David Blatt. So far The Cavs are rumored to be favorites to sign Ray Allen since he has gotten so comfortable on Lebron’s coattails. Cleveland’s offseason so far can only be described as 2k fuckery.
Update: Murphy, Powell, Thomas, John Lucas and two picks were sent out for Keith Bogans, who was then sent out with a 2nd rounder for a trade exception



Last Season Record:37-45
PreSeason Record:3-4
Phil Jackson is on board and supposedly does not have his phones tapped by Dolan, supposedly. LaLa Melo stayed. New York shipped out often injured Center Tyson Chandler and often fed Guard Raymond Felton for Jose Calderon, Samuel Dalembert, Wayne Ellington(later flipped), Shane Larkin and 2 2nd rounders. Phil hired Derek Fisher to be The Knicks new coach/scapegoat and drafted Cleanthony Early. Their other pick was used to stash a euro. The Shannon Brown/Lamar Odom experiment ended before it began due to crack reasons. Jason Smith and Cole Aldrich both signed for the final year of The Amare Bargnani Experience. Quincy Acy & Travis Outlaw were acquired for Wayne Ellington & Jeremy Tyler.



Last Season Record:38-44
PreSeason Record:4-3
After forcibly participating in The NBA playoffs Atlanta has stayed pretty quiet this offseason. Shelvin mack was re-signed, Adreian Payne (PF) was added through the draft, Thabo Sefolosha was added through ignorance and Kent Bazmore along with Mike Scott were signed in free agency. Atlanta also gave up a 2nd round pick for Lamar Patterson. This uneventful offseason could very well land Atlanta back in the playoffs to their dismay



Last Season Record:43-39
PreSeason Record:3-5
They did it. No longer are they The Bobcats, the basketball team formerly known as The Hornets. They’re The Hornets again, pop bottles their offseason was a success. If you’re one of those ungrateful types, they also got the #9 pick which they used to select Noah Vonleh. The Hornets also ended up with PJ Hairston on draft night via trade. Now, making it rain on Gordon Hayward ultimately didn’t do anything for Charlotte, but it forced Utah to commit to a fringe player long term and for a hefty price which is a classic MJ dickmove. Josh McRoberts was lost in Free Agency while Brian Roberts was added. The only real stinger for The Hornets was signing Marvin Williams for money. On the plus side Michael Jordan has naked pictures of Lance Stephenson or something cause he signed for well below his worth. The Hornets’ least significant move involved moving Dwight Powell and Brendan Haywood for some guy named Scotty Hopson who was then in a single motion thrown in some New Orleans bushes for straight cash. Semaj Christon was acquired in the PJ Hairston trade, along with a 2nd rounder and cash for Shabazz Napier then Christon was also tossed out of Charlotte for even more cash.



Last Season Record:44-38
PreSeason Record:4-2
Jason Kidd left after a failed coup and was replaced with Lionel Hollins, some future 2nd rounders were exchanged in the Kidd deal as well. Proky paid The TWolves for Markel Brown, paid more cash to The Spurs for Cory Jefferson and paid even more cash to Toronto for Xavier Thames. Nets also traded Marcus Thornton for Sergey Karasev and Jarret Jack to fill the hole that losing Shaun Livingston created. Paul Pierce is gone and Kevin Garnett is staying. It’s like having a stomach flu and throwing up the decent meal you had for lunch while the fastfood burrito you had for breakfast remains lodged in your lower intestine surely bidding it’s time to charge it’s meter. Bojan Bogdanovic was signed….he’s a shooting guard or forward according to Forever. Alan Anderson was also re-signed, options were exercised on Plumless and Karasev and finally Marquis Teague and 2nd rounder were sent to Philly for Casper Ware.



Last Season Record:44-38
PreSeason Record:4-4
Washington started the offseason by giving up Jordan Clarkson to LA for cash. They followed that up by assisting Trevor Ariza to Houston via trade for Melvin Ely and a 8.5 mil trade exception. Kris Humphries was acquired for a future 2nd rounder. Washington also sent the rights to Emir Preldzic to Dallas for DeJuan Blair. Gortat was re-signed to a new deal, Paul Pierce was added in free agency for veteran leadership and for the fact that they were sorely lacking a guy on the court that looked like he really deserved a smack in the face. Washington was able to re-sign Kevin Seraphin(lol) and Drew Gooden. Grunsfeld is popping bottles after Porter and Rice Jr (SL-MVP) took first team all summer league “honors”.



Last Season Record:48-34
PreSeason Record:4-4
Rose will reprise his role as NBA point guard after a not so brief stint as a highly paid spectator this upcoming season, so there’s that. Fellow Bulls guard, Kirk Hinrich re-signed for 2 more years and DRose insurance Aaron Brooks joined Chicago as well. As far as draft day went, Bulls ended up with Cameron Bairstow and added Doug McDermott via trade for fellow draftees Jusuf Nurkic and Gary Harris. Anthony Randolph was also part of the McDermott deal but was later traded to Orlando along with 2 2nd rounders for the rights to Milovan Rakovic. Greg Smith was sent to Dallas for the rights to Tadija Dragicevic which is in no way a money saving move, no way. The Booz Cruise finally ended in Chicago with the help of the amnesty clause. Nikola Mirotic was finally signed and Pau Gasol was added via Free Agency.



Last Season Record:48-34
PreSeason Record:7-1
Retained American Kyle Lowry and drafted Brazilian KD. Jordan Hamilton, Patrick Patterson and Greivis Vasquez were all re-signed and DeAndre Daniel was selected at #37 in the draft. James Johnson & Will Cherry were added in Free Agency. Toronto Sent the 59th overall pick to Brooklyn for cash, and traded John Salmons to Atlanta for Lou Williams and Lucas Nogueria. They said you couldn’t unload a Steve Novak while he still had 2 years left on his deal, Masai said “watch me.” Novak was sent to Utah with a 2nd round pick in exchange for Diante Garrett.



Last Season Record:54-28
PreSeason Record:4-4
It was a tough offseason for Miami fan, the heart and soul of their team was not persuaded by Pat Riley’s big offseason acquisitions of Josh McRoberts and Danny Granger. And so the engine that powered them to the NBA Finals last season was quietly let go in unremarkable fashion when they gave his number to newly acquired Shawne Williams. Miami also lost known frontrunner and headband(HGH) abuser Lebron James in addition to James Jones, Ray Allen and the aforementioned Beasely. Pat was able to add Loul Deng and Reggie Williams as well as re-signing BirdMan Chris Andersen, DinosaurMan Chris Bosh and NotaMan Mario Chalmers. Udonis will also be coming back. Some picks traded hands for Pat to acquire Lebron James favorite Shabazz Napier. James Ennis will apparently get some NBA playing time this season as well.



Last Season Record:56-26
PreSeason Record:3-4
Hibbert literally just during the playoffs, Lance took off, Turner fucked off and Paul George’s leg…well you saw it. Indy added CJ Miles, Rodney Stuckey and Shayne Whittington. Lavoy allen re-upped. But that’s not all folks, they also brought over Damjan Rudez. Pacers is dead.




Western Conference

Last Season Record:25-57
PreSeason Record:5-3
Utah Drafted Exum and Rodney Hood. Gordon Hayward was signed to a huge contract. They sent Jarnell Stokes to Memphis for a future 2nd. Traded John Lucas, Malcolm Thomas and Erik Murphy for Carrick Felix and a 2nd rounder. Sent Diante Garrett to Toronto for Steve Novak and a future 2nd. Signed free agent Trevor Booker. Utah supposedly signed Jack Cooley and Dee Bost. Utah is still betting on their young talent to develop into a contending core, and Quin Snyder just might be the Diehard villain to put it all together.



Last Season Record:27-55
PreSeason Record:3-5
Julius Randle and Jordan Clarkson were both added via the draft. Jeremy Lin and 2 future picks were sent from Houston for the rights to Sergei Lishchuk (he’ll probably end up in Brooklyn at some point based off his name). Ed Davis was signed in free agency. LA “lost” Kent Bazemore, Chris Kaman, Shawne Williams, Kendall Marshall, Jordan Farmar Jodie Meeks and Pau Gasol. LA was able to re-sign Ryan Kelly, Jordan Hill, Wesley Johnson, Xavier Henry and Nick Young. Kobe’s still playing there if you’re wondering. Steve Nash has recently called it a season and most likely a career. Byron Scott is the coach now. Like falling victim to a seizure at the beginning of a race, LA has made a whole lot of movement for not a whole lot of progress. And best of all, Carlos Boozer will follow in Jazz PF tradition and play for LA, break a leg Carlos. GIVE US THAT #1 PICK YOU MONSTERS.



Last Season Record:28-54
PreSeason Record:3-4
Drafted Nik Stauskas, Hired Tyrone Corbin, signed Darren Collison, traded Isaiah Thomas for a 7 mil trade exception and the rights to Alex Oriakhi, traded Quincy Acy & Travis Outlaw for Wayne Ellington & Jeremy Tyler and finally they signed Omri Casspi, Ryan Hollins & Eric Moreland in free agency. It was a very Sacramento Kings offseason; they did just about everything they needed to do to stay on their treadmill.



Last Season Record:34-48
PreSeason Record:5-2
Swapped Russ Smith for Pierre Jackson, Traded a pick for Omer Asik, gave Charlotte cash for Scotty Hopson. Signed Jimmer Fredette, John Salmons & Patrick Young in free agency. Let Anthony Morrow & Jason Smith leave. They REALLY want Anthony Davis to leave apparently.



Last Season Record:36-46
PreSeason Record:2-6
Denver traded Fournier for Afflalo and added Jusuf Nurkic as well as Gary Harris via the draft. Erick Green signed with them….that’s it….literally that’s all Denver has done so far this offseason.



Last Season Record:40-42
PreSeason Record:5-2
Kevin Love, Luc Mbah a Moute and Alexey Shved were traded for Anthony Bennet, Andrew Wiggins & Thadeous Young. Markel Brown(44th draft pick) and Alessandro(53rd draft pick) were flipped for cash. Zach LaVine, Glen Robinson III and Mo Williams were brought in. Minnesota is kinda fucked.



Last Season Record:48-34
PreSeason Record:5-2
Phoenix signed Isaiah Thomas, PJ Tucker and Anthony Tolliver. Drafted TJ Warren, Bogdan Bogdanovic & Tyler Ennis. Bledsoe signed a new deal, as did both Morris brothers.



Last Season Record:49-33
PreSeason Record:6-2
Cuban fucked over Morey and set the price for Chandler Parsons too high for his liking, sent Larkin Dalembert Ellington and Calderon to New York for Tyson Chandler & Raymond Felton. Dallas sent out DeJuan Blair for the rights to Emir Preldzic. Mavericks also added Greg Smith, Ivan Johnson, Jameer Nelson, Al Farouq Aminu, Eric Griffin & Richard Jefferson. Dirk signed a new 3 year deal & Devin Harris signed a 4 year deal. Rashard Lewis signed with Dallas but it was voided after he underwent a knee surgery. In case you were just skimming I wrote two sentences ago that Richard Jefferson signed with Dallas.



Last Season Record:50-32
PreSeason Record:3-5
Vince Carter signed with The Memphis Grizzlies. Memphis decided to extend Randolph. Vince Carter signed with The Memphis Grizzlies. They added Jordan Adams and Jarnell Stokes via the draft. Most importantly they signed Vince Carter. Vincent Kӓr-tәr.



Last Season Record:51-31
PreSeason Record:6-2
Golden State began its offseason quick with the firing of their coach and hiring of their new coach Steve Kerr. Brandon Rush was brought back on a 2 year deal and Shaun Livingston, Leandro Barbosa, James McAdoo was added in free agency. They were in talks to add Kevin Love but were unwilling to add Klay Thompson to the deal, and there was some disagreement on whether David Lee added or subtracted value to the trade package by being a part of it.



Last Season Record:54-28
PreSeason Record:4-3
Blazers had no draft picks this year. As far as roster additions go they signed Steve Blake & Chris Kaman in free agency. –shrug-



Last Season Record:54-28
PreSeason Record:6-2
What a tangled web Morey weaved. Their offseason began with dreams of clearing contracts to make room for Carmelo Anthony or Chris Bosh or least likely, Lebron James. So with big targets in mind Morey didn’t pick up Chandler Parson’s team option in order to sign a 3rd max star and match whatever offer Parsons got later. The dominoes were being set up for a move. Then Lin was given away along with a 1st and 2nd round pick for essentially nothing in order to make room for this hypothetical star. Houston also set up a deal to shed Omri Casspi and Omer Asik. So Anthony decided to stay in NY, Bosh stayed in Miami, Lebron went to Cleveland. Houston decided locking themselves into the current roster long term did not make sense and ended up letting Parsons go to Dallas. The room making deals still went through and Houston ended up with Trevor Ariza, Jeff Adrien, Ish Smith, Kostas Papanikolaou, Joey Dorsey, Troy Daniels & Alonzo Gee while losing Asik, Casspi, Lin & Parsons. The total roster downgrade was complete. Morey The Mage cried in the car….and then they signed Jason Terry and waived Josh Powell..



Last Season Record:57-25
PreSeason Record:2-6
Donald Sterling is finally out, and Steve Ballmer is in. CJ Wilcox was selected in the draft at #28, Spencer Hawes, CDR, DeAndre Liggins, Udoh and Jordan Farmar were signed as free agents & Glen Davis agreed to be paid again for another year, as did Hedo Turkoglu. Dudley got sent out for players that were immediately cut to give The Clips some offseason wiggle room. Unless not being owned by a racist gives everyone some stat boosts, Clips will again only go as far as CP3 and Griffin can take them.



Last Season Record:59-23
PreSeason Record:2-5
Kevin Durant only has 2 more seasons in Oklahoma. Durant will not play for the first month or so due to a foot injury, Scott Brooks is still the coach so this season is already starting off rough…then they signed Sebastian Telfair & Anthony Morrow…then Morrow sprained his MCL. Grant Jerret was re-signed and three rookies were added to the squad in Mitch McGary, Josh Huestis and Semaj Christon. McGary will miss the first 6 weeks of the season due to a pre-season injury. Not a lot of money spent and not a lot of talent added. The only notable departure was Thabo. Kevin Durant only has 2 more seasons in Oklahoma.



Last Season Record:62-20
PreSeason Record:2-5
The reigning champs didn’t rock the boat very much. Manu and Duncan didn’t retire, Pop signed an extension, they drafted Kyle Anderson, Diaw and Mills re-signed and Ettore Messina became an assistant coach. Boring, but effective.